Oh, good. Just a couple more days and I’m done with speech class. Thank God! With luck, I should never have to attend another one. Don’t get me wrong, the class went fine. It’s the technology, the constant assignments, and everything else.

Today, I ended up having to burn $80 I was saving on one of my insulins (Lantus). I lost my medicaid on New Years day and to be honest, until today, I really didn’t give a damn. Medicaid was giving me nothing but grief anyway. But damn -! $89 God, burning that much money on such a tiny vial of liquid.

Y’know, world, a new pair of jeans would be nice, so would a pair of shoes. Maybe a new jacket, I’m wearing the same winter coat I did back when I was 18. Hey — here’s a revolutionary idea — howzabout a suit I could interview in? POOF. Insulin.

Yeah, I know… it’s stupid to be crying over this. I need insulin to survive. I can live without clothes. In another week or so, I should be getting a student refund check in the mail. I know this is just PMS making me feel all weird over something as stupid as this.

But now I just want to cry.

There’s nothing that quite sums up a mistake with diabetes management than:

“Umm… Hi Nancy, I just did something very stupid.”

Somehow “stupid” seems like a tremendous understatement. I’m okay, this happened back in December, but I had to send my logs over to my care team today and my note just cracked me up. XD

Basically, I had been extremely tired when I woke up that morning and accidently mistook my Humalog insulin with my Lantus. I only take 3 units of Humalog at maximum, and 16 units of Lantus in the morning only. So I gave myself 16 units of Humalog that morning. I realized what I had done as soon as the plunger reached the bottom of my syringe. So I immediately bolted down a full glass of orange juice and ran to call the Diabetes Center for a game plan. And of everything I could have said, I choose to say “I just did something stupid.”

LOL! At least I’ve only done that only twice in the years I’ve had diabetes, they assured me that they have other patients do it all the time. (Ouch.)

In other news, today I had to take my resume in to one of the local staffing agencies so I could see if I could get a job. To disclose my diabetes, or not to disclose my diabetes. I’m perfectly healthy, no neuropathy or other complications . . . other than my blood glucose drops like a stone if I do anything too strenuous. I ended up disclosing it against my better judgement, just so they wouldn’t try pushing me into a strenuous job.

Instead, I walked out with contact information on becoming a Database Specialist. Starting wages of $12/hr but I don’t know that I know enough yet to be able to do the job. They’re asking for a BS in Computer Science, and all I’ll have this Fall is an Associates. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be able to do many of the requirements when I leave school, but I can’t do them all quite yet. The bullet about “Windows programming” is the point that worries me the most. Yes, I do have to take Visual Basic, but I still have more prerequisites to do before I can attempt it. I called anyway, made myself sound like an idiot on the Human Relations voicemail, and have spent the rest of the evening worrying about it.

I know it’s pointless to worry, but I can’t help it.

Much love to everyone, I’ll try to reply to everyone tomorrow morning.

Had a checkup today with Nancy at the diabetes center and found out I did a bit too well on my control. My A1c came back at 5.9% - which she said was a bit alarming. Once again, I had my insulin dose adjusted.

Basically that means that the bouts of hypoglycemia I’ve been experiencing are edging towards dangerous levels. It gets too low and I may end up in serious trouble. In fact, when I walked into the center today, my blood sugar was down to 43 mg/dL (2.38mmol/l). I really should be 70 - 120, which is a bit too low for my own good.

Anyway, courtesy of my doctors I came home with something new: a free vial of Lantus insulin. I also had the offer to take an introductory pumping class, though I took a raincheck so I can see how I do on Lantus first.

Hopefully they’re right and this will make me feel more normal. I’m not sure what that means, but I do have to admit I have been feeling pretty weird lately. The results from my A1c probably explain it a bit.

Also, thanks to AmyT for her comments and link to her site. ^_^ I’ll comment once I get my homework done.

Eviction post: *hugs* Theresa, Derrian, Trelithe, Kim, Hillary, Bevey, and Ook. Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and hugs.

Writing Randomness: Why do you always get the best story ideas at 3am, have it all written out in your head, but by the next morning — you can’t remember a damn thing? XD I had this whole short story about some post college guy going to Las Vegas for a job interview and by this morning I’d forgotten everything. I really need a handheld “tape” recorder. lol

On Kids: I’ve decided I want to be a mom. I want to be a mom bad. Yet I really have no plans of ever getting married. Hell, I’ve slid back into an almost child-like “boys are icky” stage again. Pathetic, huh?

Diabetes: I’m feeling weird again. I’ve only gone hypoglycemic three times today, so I have a feeling I’m crusing for another. Of course, I could just be tired. Hypoglycemia does that to me.

Website Promotion: Have you ever felt just plain dirty when you haven’t done anything TO feel that way? I’ve been promoting my domain today and a couple sites I wanted to put my link on required me to put up advertising reciprocal links. Now I feel all dirty. lol

Anime: There’s some new samurai anime on Adult Swim. I haven’t had the energy to find out which one it is. Just wish they’d stop censoring the swearing. That record scratch is annoying.

Randomness: I really feel like making some kind of dessert using rum. Rums good. Very good. Too bad there’s none in the house. Then again, that’s probably good.

Website Promotion II: I summed up my promotion thoughts on Arise today in a tutorial. I’m still trying to promote the boards, but forums are a royal bitch to promote. I really don’t know how to write down what I really want to say, so I guess I’ll play the part of the bitch and just say it. During their infancy, forums NEED an established, successful website in order to be successful themselves. With RW.com long dead, it’s no wonder we’re having trouble attracting people.

Anime #2: Watching some anime on cable, not sure which… I wonder if they ever get motion sickness the way they… I dunno - bounce? - when they run. Making me dizzy just watching it.

Blah, my randomness is nowhere near as amusing as Kim’s randomness. ^_^;; Kim, you’re my hero! Y’know that? Alrighty, I’m going to bed now. Maybe I might remember that story.

*glomps*

I’m a liar.

I’m a bald-faced liar.

I keep saying that my diabetes doesn’t bother me. Well, I’m a liar: my diabetes does bother me. But it’s not the way everyone thinks.

It’s how everyone around me behaves. Sometimes it feels like discrimination — the way people act around me — and sometimes it feels like they’re stifling me. I lost my last job because of diabetes. I couldn’t enjoy my day at the beach because either I was preparing for a meal or my friends in the kite club wanted to talk to me. Or rather, talk about my diabetes.

Thing is, every one of them had something to say and not a single one knew what they were talking about. I thought Type 2 was the unknown disease, but instead that’s what everyone knows. There were even a few former friends who were looking at me the entire time like I’d grown a second head.

I’m not sure what hurt worse, what everyone assumed, or the fact some of them were avoiding me. I wish mom hadn’t told them… I really do. I understand why she tells everyone, but does she have to tell everyone!? That especially goes for members from my dad’s side of the family. They’ve basically disowned me, so why the hell is it their business??

Wasn’t telling Maryann enough? She used to be our neighbor back when we were growing up. Mom told her. Big fricking mistake. That woman is a walking encyclopedia of diabetes myths and she’s subscribed to them all. She was loopy when we were kids, but she’s worse now. And she still has this inane need to lecture.

I’m almost glad I don’t get to see Poppa and Caroline much anymore. Back when I was diagnosed, the weight fell off me until I practically looked anorexic. Caroline was excited and pleased by how skinny I was. She didn’t seem to care about how sick I was or how awful I felt or how close I came to ending up being admitted to the hospitol. And she’s kept up the comments. I don’t understand why Poppa won’t speak up… he raised my Aunt Karla, who was diagnosed as a type 1 when she was 12. He knows diabetes.

I reached out because I wanted to have a social life, but instead I feel more alone now than ever. I had my diabetes under tight control, but now I’m subconsciously sabotaging myself. Hell, I even forgot to take my final dose of insulin last night!

Whatever happens, I have to get back in control. Pure and simple. I guess I have to go back to thinking like I did back when I was diagnosed: this disease is a friend test. And I just found how a lot about my former friends.

I’ve done it. ^_^ My HbA1c came back at 6.2%!

Basically that’s a diabetic blood test that shows you how well you’ve been controlling your blood sugars over the past 2-3 months. I dropped from an unhealthy 8% clear down to a really healthy 6.2%!

It’s a lot of work and takes a lot of careful eating, right amounts of insulin, and exercise to get it that low. But, it’s better than risking any of the complications. So I’m absolutely tickled! *dances!*