I’m a liar.

I’m a bald-faced liar.

I keep saying that my diabetes doesn’t bother me. Well, I’m a liar: my diabetes does bother me. But it’s not the way everyone thinks.

It’s how everyone around me behaves. Sometimes it feels like discrimination — the way people act around me — and sometimes it feels like they’re stifling me. I lost my last job because of diabetes. I couldn’t enjoy my day at the beach because either I was preparing for a meal or my friends in the kite club wanted to talk to me. Or rather, talk about my diabetes.

Thing is, every one of them had something to say and not a single one knew what they were talking about. I thought Type 2 was the unknown disease, but instead that’s what everyone knows. There were even a few former friends who were looking at me the entire time like I’d grown a second head.

I’m not sure what hurt worse, what everyone assumed, or the fact some of them were avoiding me. I wish mom hadn’t told them… I really do. I understand why she tells everyone, but does she have to tell everyone!? That especially goes for members from my dad’s side of the family. They’ve basically disowned me, so why the hell is it their business??

Wasn’t telling Maryann enough? She used to be our neighbor back when we were growing up. Mom told her. Big fricking mistake. That woman is a walking encyclopedia of diabetes myths and she’s subscribed to them all. She was loopy when we were kids, but she’s worse now. And she still has this inane need to lecture.

I’m almost glad I don’t get to see Poppa and Caroline much anymore. Back when I was diagnosed, the weight fell off me until I practically looked anorexic. Caroline was excited and pleased by how skinny I was. She didn’t seem to care about how sick I was or how awful I felt or how close I came to ending up being admitted to the hospitol. And she’s kept up the comments. I don’t understand why Poppa won’t speak up… he raised my Aunt Karla, who was diagnosed as a type 1 when she was 12. He knows diabetes.

I reached out because I wanted to have a social life, but instead I feel more alone now than ever. I had my diabetes under tight control, but now I’m subconsciously sabotaging myself. Hell, I even forgot to take my final dose of insulin last night!

Whatever happens, I have to get back in control. Pure and simple. I guess I have to go back to thinking like I did back when I was diagnosed: this disease is a friend test. And I just found how a lot about my former friends.

Well, the mess with Mesopia went easier than I thought it would. Still no word back on my domain, well, unless you just count the receipt of them charging us $12 for the domain. *sighs*

Today was a massive grocery getting day, a quick attempt to fill up the pantry until we can get another chance to catch out breath.

Well, it didn’t last long. Apparently, mom didn’t think for the last rent check she wrote and it bounced. All of five days before she cashed her next paycheck. Since I’ll be the only one home tomorrow, I suppose it’s up to me to go talk to the landlords and beg forgiveness for the check. I don’t remember for sure, but I seem to recall seeing a note in the rules we agreed to that says we now have to pay via money order. Oh well, that’s for tomorrow.

(Waiiit… wasn’t I avoiding money matters?)

First week of college went okay, I’m pretty sure I can do this. The group project they want for this next week is a little scary, but everyone seems pretty nice. I really didn’t do anything today with it, so tomorrow I have to check the class message boards again and make myself known.

It’s hilarious, Jass and I have become lurkers on every MB on the planet… with the exception of the school boards. Thing is, since we’re not appearing in person, we have to make significant posts in order to be considered “participating.” But it’s not that hard, the instructors give you essay questions you have to answer almost every day and since everyone is so nice; chit-chat is easy too.

The academic advisors already have my summer classes picked out. I get to take Composition II, Human Relations, File Management, and Internet and the WWW. Composition II sounds okay, I’ve needed it for a while and I’m not sure what to make of Human Relations. But taking me through Files and a introduction to the internet is just, well…. funny?

Yeah, my blog isn’t pretty anymore. I HAD to upgrade wordpress. So tomorrow, after the walk to the office and then school, I’ll settle down and rework my poison layout to work with the new version. I tried to get the LiveJournal auto-update program to work with Wordpress, but it’s not compatable. So, I’m still crossposting.

Much love to everyone

What is it with me and renewing my domain for another year?

Each and every year, it’s a battle to get everything taken care of. Last year, they took my money and didn’t renew. This year, I’m trying to transfer my domain to GoDaddy and my domain is locked.

Ive had it with Mesopia/Dr2.net… Dr2.net went poof after they had a complaint filed against them with the BBB and “merged” with another hosting company called Mesopia.

And I don’t have time now, with school starting, to play the usual games with them. I have two large assignments due Tuesday and I also have my first test.

As for school, it’s going okay. I started Thursday, getting some of the general ed stuff out of the way first. I’m not used to doing this anymore *whine* ^^;;

I know I haven’t been too much of a friend lately and I’m sorry for that. Much love to everyone

I’ve been trying for a while now to come up with a new layout for Stone Circles that I actually like. No luck. Frankly, aside from my Nadesico layout for the domain, I really haven’t felt very inspired at all.

I just attempted a Wonder Girl layout, but it came out looking really lame. What I wanted to do was have a nice, comic-book looking picture of her on the side with a nice, thin sidebar, then a title box, and then a mouseover menu with little comic book speech bubbles set on a rollover, and then the text area. In my head, it kicks major ass. In PSP, though… it looks ugly. Really ugly.

I’ve filled my notebooks with sketches of what I want to do, from the basic layout, to the finer details. Still can’t get the idea to jell. I want a challenge - something fun yet harder in terms of design. I can see the layouts I want to do in my mind, but I can’t seem to make them come out and play. My current blog layout litterly created itself in the span of a few hours, but now I can’t seem to come up with something in the span of months.

Blah, I guess that’s why I’m going to college. ^_^;;